A month from this moment, I’ll legally be Mrs. Kim. (Well, legally, Mrs. McSomething-Kim, since I’m hyphenating, but still.) I’ve decided to celebrate by writing about something wedding-related every day until then. After all, I probably won’t have much chance again after that, unless blogs are still a thing when my future children are ready to get married. So, today I want to write about something that is plaguing my life–or at least giving me some stress and irritation–these days: Imposed excitement.

my wedding dress face
My face while trying on my wedding dress. I liked it, I promise!

When I settled on a dress at David’s Bridal back in August, they gave a speech and had me ring a bell. Mr. Kim took a video, and I look extremely, disappointingly non-excited. I might have ruined that salesperson’s day except I’m pretty sure she works on commission. Sorry, lady! I just haven’t been dreaming of this since I was a little girl, and I’m not that excited!

Okay, I actually am excited about getting married. I’m even excited about the wedding. I’m excited about becoming Mr. Kim’s wife, and having many people we love gathered in one place, and making my parents happy, and declaring my commitment to Mr. Kim publicly, even though I’m sure I’ll be shaking a little with nerves.

But I kind of feel like I’m disappointing most people when they ask about my wedding planning. I’m really not that excited about it. I like my dress a lot, and I’m really happy that my parents helped me buy something so beautiful and flattering, but–I’m not excited about it. I’m satisfied with my plans for decorating and look forward to seeing my ideas carried out, but I’m not excited about that, either. I get a sappy smile on my face when I hear songs we’re planning on incorporating on our wedding day, but I’m really very rarely excited about it. Excited is just not my style.

When people ask about my wedding planning, they often sound more excited than me. “Wow, less than two months! You must be excited!” “Aren’t you excited? It’s so soon!” I paste my best excited fake smile on my face–probably looking somewhere between nervous and frightening–and nod. “Oh, yeah, I’m pretty excited,” I say in a rather flat voice that is nevertheless the most excited tone I can manage in this flustered state.

bridal hanbok
I am excited about wearing my new hanbok!

This has usually turned into a compliment about what a calm bride I am. “Wow, I’ve never met a more relaxed bride,” or, “You’re so chill about your wedding, I wish my sister was like that,” or, “You don’t seem stressed at all.” Well, I’m surprised I don’t seem stressed, since this conversation is stressing me out almost as much as the e-mail to the caterer I’ve been composing in my head or my secret fears that the photographer will accidentally double book or the venue burn down between now and the wedding day. In fact, now I’m stressed that I’m disappointing you by not sound exciting enough. 아이구!

I know people are just excited for me. And I’m happy, and thankful for that fact, and really really looking forward to January 16! But really, I’m constrained by my native personality to be incapable of gushing about much outside college football, and it’s stressful to feel pressured to pretend.

Finally, at work today, I decided to tell the truth when someone asked that inevitable bridal question, “How’s the wedding planning?” followed by the standard coda, “You must be getting excited!”

“You know, I’m excited about being married, but I’m mostly excited to not have to wedding plan any more.”

It felt good.